Research and experience both say yes. Men, for example, tend to file for divorce less often than women. “From my own case load, I’d say roughly 60 percent of women initiate the process, whereas 40 percent of men initiate the process,” says Tony Zorich of the Seattle area family law practiceMcKinley Irvin.
Men also have somewhat different reasons for divorcing, according to research from Pennsylvania State University. Here are top reasons men seek divorce.
5. Growing apart
Nearly 1 in 10 men, or 9.6 percent, cited growing apart from their spouse as their primary reason for wanting a divorce. This reason is common among men who married young and feel that they—and their spouse—have since grown into different people. Growing apart can also be the result of spending less time together due to the demands of work and parenthood or due to what Zorich describes as “lack of acknowledgment by their spouse for their role in the marriage,” which can ultimately lead to a loss of interest in the relationship.
“Marriage is a team effort in every sense of the phrase, and each team member has various roles. When the performance of tasks associated with those roles is not acknowledged in a positive way, the man can feel disenfranchised.”
4. Drinking or drug use
Men have been known to have very passionate love affairs with the bottle, but it seems women are no slouches in that department either: Substance abuse and addiction was listed as a reason for divorce for more than 1 in 10 men, or 10.6 percent of those studied. Apparently having similar attitudes about drugs and alcohol use is helpful in keeping marriages together. Addictions to other things, like pornography, can also be a factor in divorce.
3. Lack of communication
This issue might be better called “lack of good communication.” Couples typically have lots of logistics to manage (particularly if there are kids involved), a situation which requires tact, understanding, and patience. But stressed couples communicate by fighting, most often about sex andmoney. As you might suspect, this was a problem for quite a few men (13 percent) in the study.
Men may have some flexibility when it comes to open relationships, but many of them still view cheating as a stone-cold deal breaker. It may be the case, as it is often said, that cheating is merely a symptom of deeper problems in the relationship. But with 15.6 percent of men citing it as a reason to leave, those kinds of distinctions might not matter much in the grand scheme of what drives guys to consider having papers drawn up.
This catchall phrase indicates general unhappiness in marriage and was reported by nearly 1 in 5 men, or 19.5 percent of those surveyed, as the main reason for divorce. “Personal dissatisfaction in the relationship has generally been the number one reason in my practice for a number of years,” says David Starks, an attorney who also works at the McKinley Irvin firm. “Domestic violence and sleeping around sound more interesting and, frankly, more excusable, but really just giving up the fight to stay in love or at least mutual admiration is really what both sexes do most to end up in divorce.”
How are women and divorce different?
Unsurprisingly, women seek divorce for many of the same reasons men do. Notable differences include a higher incidence of divorce over infidelity—25.2 percent of women cited unfaithfulness as cause for separation compared with 15.6 percent of men—plus reports of physical and emotional abuse and problems with the husband’s personality, immaturity, and untrustworthiness.
What else is different? “There are, speaking very broadly, some typical differences in how men and women handle the divorce process, mainly driven by what roles they played in the relationship,” says Starks. For instance, women are more likely to ask for financial help post-divorce, which he believes is due to the homemaker role women are more likely to assume in the couple.
When it comes down to it, however, it’s impossible to paint a portrait of divorce in broad strokes. “Every divorce is different for many, many reasons,” says Zorich. He recommends that men going through a divorce get emotional and legal support. “Divorce is a process that can take a significant emotional toll on even the ‘toughest’ of men. Support, whether it be from friends or family, is very important, but a man’s greatest ally in a divorce can be the advice of a competent attorney to represent him. Men should not be afraid of the courthouse or the law, and a good attorney can keep a man grounded in that reality.”
Learn more about the divorce process by speaking to a top-rated divorce attorney in your area.
Are you going through a divorce? You should avoid these very common divorce mistakes which can have long-term effects on your family and financial future.
1. Getting legal advice from friends and family members
2. Interpreting what your divorce attorney tells you as a guarantee
3. Making threats to your spouse
4. Moving or hiding marital funds without the knowledge of your spouse
5. Speaking too soon or too openly to minor children about the separation and divorce
Mistake #1 Getting legal advice from friends and family members.
Although they may mean well and want the best for you, advice from friends or family is almost always wrong. They can sometimes unintentionally lead you down the wrong path by offering you advice that is uninformed or does not apply to your particular situation. Is the person you are talking to a practicing divorce lawyer or someone that is already on your side? You will often hear things like: “My friend got full custody of her children so you can too,” or “my cousin had a great attorney who got her 90% of the assets and alimony for the rest of her life, so you should be able to get the same thing.” Although this advice may sound good to you at first, you need to understand that there are no two divorce cases that are the same, so they cannot possibly be treated the same way by a court. There are many many factors that go into a court-ordered divorce settlement, such as:
1) The state law that applies to your particular set of facts;
2) The local court customs and practice in your particular county;
3) The effectiveness of your attorney, and:
4) Since judges are human, the mindset of the particular judge or even the mood they are in on a given day.
In actuality, going to court is often a “roll of the dice” in which you might spend a lot of money in legal fees, only to get an end result that is radically different than what you were expecting. Therefore, when approaching your divorce, you should seek out the advice of an experienced and competent attorney first who will help you to sort out all your rights and options while helping you to develop some realistic expectations up front.
Mistake #2 Interpreting what your divorce attorney tells you as a guarantee.
Getting the advice of a good experienced attorney you can trust and get along with is always a wise choice and a good place to start. A divorce attorney will attempt to gather all the relevant facts as well as financial and other important information about your marriage. The attorney will usually give you a general assessment of the type of settlement you can expect, with a general idea of the outcome. However, do not rely on an attorney’s preliminary impressions as a guarantee of the exact outcome you can expect in your case. Remember, an attorney’s advice will always be limited to what information you alone give them. That’s it. The attorney will not be aware of financial or other information your spouse may have in which you do not know. And that could drastically change the attorney’s analysis of your case. Moreover, because you may come to an attorney’s office feeling upset and angry at your spouse or otherwise emotionally distressed, you might have the tendency to hear only what you want to hear. This can cause you to firmly dig in your heels without any compromise going forward. This can be the most costly mistake you make which can both deplete your finances and harm your family emotionally for years to come. This is true, especially if your spouse is already in a position to discuss a compromise in order to avoid costly and emotionally draining litigation. Wait for a full analysis of all of the information that is relevant to your case and only then discuss what a realistic outcome may be.
Mistake #3 Making threats to your spouse.
Spouses commonly make empty threats and other nasty comments to one another.“I’ll get the meanest lawyer in town and destroy you,” or “After cheating on me, there is no way you will ever see your kids again, or “My lawyer said you’ll have to leave the home and pay me alimony for the rest of your life.” Such threats, although understandably borne out of anger, are really meaningless in the long run and have no effect either way on the outcome of your case. Remember that the way you act towards your spouse early on will not only set the tone for your entire divorce case, but also for years to come after it is all over. This, of course, becomes especially important if you have children to co-parent which you will be difficult to do in a way that is healthy for them if you carry hatred and resentment towards your spouse into your post-divorce lives. Believe me, no matter how old your children are they will feel the hatred you have for one another even if you don’t argue in front of them. Your children will greatly benefit if they see you and your spouse trying to “get along.”
Always take the high road in approaching your divorce. You don’t necessarily have to be best friends with your spouse through all this, just be willing to make an effort to communicate, cooperate and compromise with him or her as best you can, especially when children are involved. Assure your spouse that you are not out to hurt him/her or the kids (if kids are involved), and that you have good faith intentions of reaching an amicable settlement as soon as is possible. Just because your spouse may act like a jerk does not mean you are not a jerk if you respond in the same way. Bad behavior does not justify bad behavior.
Your goal should be to achieve the best overall outcome you can. Trying to “get even” with your spouse and arguing at every opportunity rarely ends up with your spouse giving in to your demands or suddenly admitting that they are wrong and you are right. Keep in mind, the court doesn’t care who is the “bad” person or who is at fault. There are no winners here and the court never declares to the world that it is all your spouses’ fault and you are the victim. You should not argue over petty things simply because you are hurt or angry. Is arguing over your old furniture or fighting to get an extra hour with your kids worth it? Often this only leads to your spouse reacting by being just as stubborn. You have to choose what is important and let go of what is not. There is a middle ground between being a push-over and demanding that you get everything you want. Compromise, you will feel better about yourself and hopefully your spouse will respond positively.
Mistake #4 Moving or hiding marital funds without the knowledge of your spouse.
Trying to hide assets so that they are not part of your divorce is a big mistake. One big way to break any trust that exists is for one or both spouses to act underhandedly, especially with the marital finances. When a spouse decides they want a divorce, they will sometimes try to secretly transfer funds from a joint account into their own account or into someone a friend or family member’s account or even make significant withdrawals of cash from a joint account. When clients are asked why they do this, they typically say they feel threatened and need to act quickly in order to protect what is theirs or make up some other excuse. Although it is understandable that such activity could occur in the heat of the moment when a spouse may perceive a sense of urgency and desperation for it, if these are marital funds that are being moved in and out of accounts, this activity will immediately be uncovered through the initial steps of the discovery process. This means generally that if marital monies were withdrawn from marital accounts, this will eventually come to light and they will have to be returned to the marital estate. If a spouse has since spent the funds away, they will be ultimately accountable for them as part of the divorce settlement. Therefore, if you and your spouse are contemplating a divorce, and you feel the need to move any funds from an existing marital account or redirect marital funds away from a marital account, discuss your intentions with your attorney and/or spouse first and make sure there is a good reason for doing this, and one that also makes sense to your spouse. This open disclosure early on help save you money in attorney’s fees in the long run and avoid the judge thinking that you are cheating or lying.
Pitfall #5 Speaking Too Soon or Too Openly to Minor Children about the Separation and Divorce.
Discussing your separation or divorce plans with your children is a very sensitive subject which must be approached very delicately. Without realizing it, many times people who decide to separate or divorce will use their children to vent all the frustration and confusion they are feeling at the moment. This is the worst thing you can do to your children during this time and can have very bad long-term effects on their emotional well-being. If you need to vent, find a friend, family member or therapist. Although your own feelings and emotional well-being are important in a divorce, a healthy divorce means considering what’s best for your children first. Therefore, if you are getting a separation or divorce, try to make every effort to go about your business as quietly as possible without involving your children in any particular facts or even worse, trying to get them to pick sides. This is not to say that children should be completely left in the dark either. Sooner or later, you will have to face these issues with them directly so that they can begin to emotionally prepare for what will be a very different life involving two separate households. Figuring out the ideal time and also the appropriate things to say to children is key. Planning with your spouse in advance how to approach this, and also approaching the children together is the best way. Family therapy with a licensed family therapist can also be very effective when working through these issues together as a family. Believe it or not, a large majority of divorcing parents can amicably work out a compromise regarding child custody issues without legal assistance and only 6- 20% of all divorce cases involving children actually need the courts to intervene. Therefore, the odds are in your favor that your custody matter can be resolved amicably without court involvement if both parents are willing to work together and do what’s best for the children.
COPING WITH DIVORCE
Divorce is an ongoing reality in our society. No longer will the exception, at least one in every two marriages end through a divorce. And yet, despite this fact, we have been slow to adapt procedures that allow a marriage to end civilly, creatively, fairly and in these tough economic times, with the minimum of expense. For the most part, divorce is still framed as an adversarial battle that is characterized by accusations, blame, unproductive argument, high costs, and weak solutions that ignore the best interests of the children.
There are plenty of attorneys waiting for you to show up angry, indignant, hurt, and vengeful. They are happy to stand up to make futile motions to court, beating their chest, but only as long as there is money in the estate. The number of divorce cases that start out with an attorney, but end without is an embarrassment. The number one reason-there was no more money!
It doesn’t have to be this way. In truth, we have already evolved better ways to end a marriage, ways that are kinder, gentler, and when there are children involved, to deal with the reality that what is actually taking place is a reorganization of the family, rather than an ending.
What follows is a list of ten ideas that are worth considering as you seek to cope with the divorce experience:
1. Seek to collaborate, not to fight: The research from the field of negotiation is clear. We get better deals when we seek to work jointly at the challenge on hand, both in regard to those issues where the best interests of the children are at stake, but also when it’s all about the money.
2. Keep your eye on the ball, start with the end in mind: The purpose of the process is not to exact revenge, but rather to work out a fair solution that makes sense for your family. The end product is your marital settlement agreement. It documents your plan of action for your ongoing care of your children, the division of your estate, and also addresses whether and to what extent there will be any spousal support. It is this document that allows the court to essentially rubber stamp your process.
3. Prepare! Getting a divorce takes an effort. You will have homework to do! Both parties must make full disclosure of all assets and liabilities. Only you have the information. The sooner you share it the quicker the process will be.
4. Manage your Emotions Wisely! Not only is it important to have your financial information organized, but also that you take time to manage your feelings. Inevitably, divorces surface strong emotions, like anger, disappointment, shame, fear and jealousy to name a few. There will be opportunities to share how you feelings which will help you in coping with divorce. If you can dissipate your negative emotional energy before the meetings it will help.
5. Listen To Understand: As hard as it may be to listen attentively to what your partner is saying, it will pay dividends. You will have the benefit of understanding where they are coming from and what is important to them. Too often we can only hear the voices in our own head and tune the other out. Mediation works best when both parties communicate effectively, and listening is a vital part of that.
6. Focus on your needs: In conflict it is natural to identify a solution that we feel is fair and to demand its application. The danger with this approach is that it fosters defensiveness and conflict escalation. The mediation process works best when we articulate and focus on our needs, and then together search for the most creative solution with the resources available.
7. Explore Standards of Fairness: The law is one standard. If you don’t work things out and still want to divorce, a judge will apply the law to the facts of your case. How you feel or what your personal standards of fairness look like, will not come into play. However, in mediation, you can establish your own criteria for fairness, and use those family inspired yardsticks to address the more tricky issues that leave you feeling hopeless.
8. Consider the need to apologize: When your kids throws a ball through your neighbors window you don’t tell them to run inside and hide. You send them over to apologize and to make reparations. When our actions cause pain to another, the right thing to do is to say you are sorry. When we are conciliatory with one another in this manner, we set the stage for reconciliation, a vital outcome for the ongoing, but reorganized family.
9. Consider Forgiveness: Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. It empowers us to move on with our lives without challenging the past to be anything other than the way it was. To forgive does not mean we condone, but it does signal an intention to let go of the pain.
10. Be Creative: As humans facing a challenge, we are only limited by our own creativity. Your challenge is to think outside the box and find a unique solution that addresses the reality of a reorganized family. Mediation is a family friendly process that allows you to focus on what you need to do to make your divorce a reality. It represents a new way of doing things. A way that most agree is good common sense. Following the suggestions contained in this brief article will help you get through your divorce with the least pain possible and with the greatest potential for a marital settlement agreement that is fair to both.